It's amazing what constant lack of sleep can do. You master the art of sleep-waking, seemingly floating, mind active and replete with a myriad of thoughts. Nothing makes sense (or so it seems) yet somehow you feel more liberated than ever. What can this freedom do? I'm at a loss for words (or am I ever?). Suddenly things become clearer, and you finally know what you want. But then you realize your body needs sleep after all. You go to sleep, wake up, and it's all gone. You're back to square one...floating, swimming, sinking. You're again faced with an array of illusions. I have to quit babbling about such illusions lest I be mistaken for a restless ghost. Well, I guess I feel like one already anyway. You think of other people's lives that seem almost perfect or at least running smoothly, just taking their natural course, and you compare those lives with yours, which certainly pales in comparison. Heck, I know I have a far better status than most of them. I just know I whine too much. But sometimes somehow it doesn't even matter anymore. I know what's true. What I can't stand is this constant screaming and struggling to make known to the world my purpose...to be purposeless, to be free of needing, wanting, hoping, because I'm already complete. But not all people know that. Sometimes I can't help but mercilessly drown myself in my age-old sorrows that I forget what is truly significant. I miss my old friends, kindred spirits I call them. But then, I keep meeting new ones, and suddenly I'm at the top of the world again, knowing I'm not alone. It's a huge deal for me to regain connection with what's part and parcel of my soul. Just like that, I feel bigger again. I keep reiterating to myself that my real purpose in life is to be a mirror of other people's greatness. No, it's not a poetic excuse for having no direction in life. I think it's a calling I have to stick to, in order for me to know Who I Really Am, and to bring people closer to the Truth, to their Essence, to the Big Mass which is I Am That I Am. I sometimes can't understand why I never tire babbling about all this, while some might not really care at all. But it's just that when I get to look at the night sky and see palm trees swaying in rhythm, I feel whole. I am reminded. I am back on track. I know I'm bigger than this, bigger than the small world almost everyone holds so dear. I'm not saying I'm nearing transcendence. I'm not even close. Buddha-hood is my Mt. Everest. But to just be able to grasp even a chunk of it can provide me with eternal bliss. I am not alone. I refuse to admit it even if I feel isolated or alienated most of the time. I am slightly depressive, and my thoughts on self-hate scare me sometimes. I think I need a shrink but heck, I'm not going to pay some self-knowing fuck big bucks for something I've been studying for almost a decade now (what have I been studying again?). But this is one of the rare moments that I feel giddy with hope, love, and finally...peace. I'm new at my job and I may suck at it, but it's the interaction with different people, diverse personalities that gives me a natural high. It's the gift of knowing so many souls in a short span of time that truly lifts me up. It's giving simple acts of kindness, smiling, paying it forward each day where I find meaning. It's good to know this, despite the lack of sleep. In a few minutes I'll be catering to my bodily needs. I'll be taking my much needed slumber, and hopefully when I wake up, I'll still feel the same.